2018 Reflection


2018. 

 I have decided to be completely honest with myself and everyone else and admit that this year was one of the toughest, most challenging years of my life.  From the outside looking in, it seemed like a pretty incredible year full of milestones and new adventures.  I graduated from Ole Miss last December, moved to the beach, got to plan and be a part of my big sister’s wedding, traveled to Honduras again, made countless new friends from all over, visited the West Coast for the first time ever, and ended the year in Mississippi surrounded by family and lifelong friends. It’s hard to believe that a person living such an adventurous life could be struggling at all.  

June 22 - Oxford, MS

July 8 - Tegucigalpa, Honduras

December 1 - Newport Beach, California

I have always been pretty optimistic and believed that I could achieve happiness or contentment by simply doing what I want, chasing my dreams, or achieving small goals I set for myself.  This year I learned something so extremely challenging and hard to accept for a “go-getter” like me.  I am not in control.  Since I graduated college, I have been searching for a source of joy, or fulfillment.  I moved to the beach.  I traveled.  I moved back home.  I got involved leading worship and interpreting at a bilingual, multi-cultural church (which, if you know me, you know is like Heaven for me).  I started working out with an incredible community of women at VOW fitness.  I got a job teaching Spanish to high school students for 9 weeks?!  But all year, something has been missing.  I have literally dropped to my knees, sobbing, asking God “what’s wrong with me?!”  I have confided in friends and family, seeking direction and advice from anyone who was willing to share.  I have cried myself to sleep, begging God to help ME figure out what to do.  Asking Him WHY, after everything I have accomplished this year, I was incapable of being happy.  It has taken me a full year of trying to be in control of my life and my happiness to realize that I’m not.

These past few months have been particularly challenging because I have had to be alone with my thoughts, wrestling with my past and future-  friends I have lost, relationships with messy endings, what to do with my life, where to go, who to be.  But this time of stillness has taught me so much about myself and what I want in life.  Because I have always been so pro-active and adventurous, I had never really taken the time to think about what my core values are in life.  What do I want in my relationships with people?  What do I want in a husband? ...in a job? ...in a home or community?  I still don’t have all the answers, but reflecting on this past year and all of its challenges has definitely opened my eyes to some of them.  

It has been such a hard year, but I wouldn’t change a thing.  I have learned how to be an adult.  I have learned to make tough decisions on my own, instead of doing what everyone else thinks is best.  I have learned that running from problems and being “comfortable” is not where I want to be.  I am still learning to trust God with my life, to be patient, and to embrace where I am right now.  I am slowing down.  I am growing every day.  He is preparing me for something BIG.  He is breaking me and molding me and teaching me something new every day.  I am terrified.  I have no idea what new challenges and adventures 2019 will bring, but I know that my God is taking me places.  And I have never been more ready. 

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